


I Will Follow

by gryffindorJ



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Frottage, Kissing, M/M, Pining, spag bol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2037138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffindorJ/pseuds/gryffindorJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherever they are, they always find each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Follow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [torino10154](https://archiveofourown.org/users/torino10154/gifts).



Forever, after this moment, Harry would associate the smell of petrol with Severus. Petrol, Harry knew, was an odd scent to associate with the man. The unique smell – preservatives, herbs, and a touch of flame – of a potions classroom would be most likely. Failing that, it would be the scent of St Mungo's, a clean, healthy scent, like a very cold winter's morning, not the antiseptic, artificial smell of Aunt Petunia's kitchen. . Harry was sure that either of those scents would always make him think of Severus. They would never have the effect that petrol did, though. 

Harry thought it was because Severus had no right being at the petrol station where he'd stopped that night. . Potions classrooms and hospital beds were where Severus belonged. Not here. 

It was early or late, depending on your perspective. For Harry, it was late. He should really have filled his tank and then found a place to kip for the night. He'd passed a bed and breakfast a few miles back. He flatly refused to camp. All the camping Harry would ever do was firmly in his past. 

The pump clicked off at a fraction above nineteen pounds. Not too bad. The last place he had stopped had been at least five pounds more than that. Harry didn't care about the money. He was careful to watch his gas mileage, however. He'd had problems with the fuel pump on Sirius's bike leaking no less than two weeks ago.

As Harry reached to screw the cap back on, he turned his head towards the station at the same moment the door opened. Out from the too bright florescent lights stepped Severus. He moved at ease, as if he was supposed to be in the station purchasing a Mars bar and a pack of fags at four seventeen in the morning. Before the door swung closed behind him, Harry saw that he was dressed all in black, but not in robes. He had on black trousers, black boots, and a black jacket that was zipped up to the top so as to obscure the bandages that surely still encircled his fragile neck. 

The door closed and Severus walked towards Harry, the shadows swallowing him up as if he could move the darkness to hide him at his will. 

Harry looked down, focusing on screwing on the petrol cap. He wasn't exactly surprised that Severus had found him. It wasn't as if he travelled under a concealment charm, or told Hermione not to say where he was when he talked to earlier in the evening. But still, he hadn't expected this. 

Severus stopped a few feet from Harry and stood, waiting. Harry looked up at him, meeting his eyes, and made what would have been an innocent face to anyone else but Severus. 

"You left without saying goodbye," Severus said. His voice was rough, almost gravel. It made Harry's own throat constrict unconsciously. It sounded painful, but still it sounded so much better than it had even two weeks ago when they last spoke. 

"I said goodbye," Harry replied. 

"You did not," Severus corrected. 

"You were asleep," Harry said with a shrug. "I didn't want to wake you." 

"That never kept you from waking me before." 

"I never woke you up." Harry was caught somewhere between amusement and irritation at Severus claiming he had. 

"True. You never spoke to me or shook my shoulder or anything like that. You only stared at me, which, believe me, has the same effect as jabbing me in the side with your wand." 

Amusement won out and Harry smiled. "Is that why you're here? For a proper goodbye?" 

"Is that all you have to say to me?" Severus replied and Harry's amusement vanished in an instant. 

Harry felt uncomfortable and warm like he was suddenly standing on a stage in front of thousands of people, but he kept his eyes fixed on Severus's. He was a man now. He could look Severus in the eyes. "You know that it's not." 

"Why did you leave then?" Severus said, pulling at the collar of his jacket. 

"You know I had to." 

"For all of the reasons I think?" 

"Yes," Harry said and he hated how Severus was now touching the bandage on his neck as if it were choking him. But he couldn't reach out to touch Severus to comfort him. If he touched him, Harry wouldn't go and for now he desperately needed to go. 

"You will let me know when you get back?" Severus asked. 

"Where will you be?" Harry asked, not sure what Severus's plans were. 

"Your owl will find me." 

"She's d-...I mean...I don't have one right now. Never mind. I'll find you." 

Severus nodded and said, "Travel safe then." 

Harry nodded and turned his back to get on the bike. He almost turned around and asked Severus to come with him. But where would they go? To the bed and breakfast Harry had passed? Surely not. The thought of taking Severus there, he was both sure and scared of what would happen. He wasn't ready for all of that. Not now. Not with Severus. 

Harry pushed the kickstand up with the heel of his boot and turned the key of the bike. It roared to life. He wanted to turn around and look at Severus. Wanted Severus to scowl and say how much he had always hated Harry's bloody godfather or George Weasley for helping him. He didn't though. He picked his feet up and slowly moved off into the still dark night. Away from Severus. Away from the bed and breakfast. He couldn't sleep now. For now, he had to keep moving.

...

Before anything else, Harry needed peace. He needed to time to come down from the war. From entering a battle every, single, damn day. Maybe quiet is a better word for what he needed, because surely one doesn't go looking for peace when one chooses to sit by Severus's bed – Snape's bed at the time – in St Mungo's.

He had only intended to go once but when he went, Snape wasn't conscious. He didn't even look like he was alive when Harry first saw him. His normal pale skin was waxy and pallid. His lips were an icy blue and his head had been shaved. Later Harry would learn that they had shorn his hair in an attempt to provide relief from his very high fever. 

All of that was nothing compared to Snape's neck. For weeks, while Snape was in a magically induced sleep, Harry only had eyes for the bandage wrapped around Snape's neck. Other than the fact that it was purple, it looked like any other bandage. Absurdly, it was the only thing keeping Severus alive. Harry stared and stared at it, marvelling how a thin strip of fabric was the only thing standing between Severus and death. While Snape slept, it allowed the tear in his neck to knit together and heal properly. 

Even after Snape woke up, Harry kept visiting. They sat in silence, Snape pulling at his bandage like it was a noose and Harry sitting and waiting. At first, Snape ignored Harry and pointedly looked the other way. It wasn't like he could yell at Harry to get out. His vocal cords were badly damaged. Despite his voice working perfectly fine, Harry didn't speak either. What could he say that didn't sound ridiculous or trite? 

In the end it was the silence that was like a purple bandage around the two of them. Slowly knitting a cordial relationship between them. After so many hard and angry words, they needed the quiet to learn how to talk to each other. Harry wasn't sure forgiveness, at that point, was a possibility – resentment was a hard feeling to vanish – but understanding could surely be found.

The understanding and comfortable silence established during Harry's daily hospital visits followed them even two years later. Harry could sit and study for his Auror tests while Severus worked around him. It was easy. Harry could read and write while Severus cut, ground, juiced, cleaned, gutted and brewed. Severus hadn't appreciated when Harry accidentally transfigured his ingredients cupboard into a fully working water fountain but other than the occasional hiccough it went well. 

Harry was especially grateful to have Severus around when the second unit in Auror training was potions. Severus flat out refused to be a crutch to Harry but his remarks of, "That's wrong" and "You can't be serious Harry," helped guide him on his path. 

Harry arrived early at Severus's house knowing he would be up and wouldn't mind Harry squeezing in a last bit of cramming before he went and took his test. Harry held his quill limply in his hand as he watched Severus lean over a cauldron intently studying its mysterious surface as he stirred slowly. 

Harry's gaze was drawn to Severus's neck, the angry red scar a stark contrast to his fair skin. In public, Severus still wore his shirt buttoned up all the way, and he usually wore a scarf as well. With his dark hair and distinct features, and the added scarf, he had the tendency to look like a Frenchman. Harry had never pointed this out. 

Severus was self-conscious of the scar, he didn't want people gaping at it, and if anyone could understand that, it was Harry. Other people still looked at his forehead, but his own eyes flicked to the scar on his left arm. It was the sister of the one on Severus's neck, both permanent reminders of that great, dirty snake. Harry's was only a few months older but looked very different. His was a soft, oddly delicate, pink. 

Nagini had bit him enthusiastically, but perhaps she had bitten Severus harder? She had ripped at Severus's throat and Harry's stomach turned over at the memory. It could be that Severus had gone for hours without any treatment. Hermione had done her best to heal Harry almost immediately. Anything was possible. The elderly Italian woman who ran the bed and breakfast he stayed at was convinced sunlight healed everything. 

Perhaps Harry's arm looked better because he had gone for months in a t-shirt when he was in Greece and Italy. He spent a week in Sardinia without putting his shirt on at all. Harry looked back at Severus and wondered if he could convince Severus to go for a week bathing in the sun. He couldn't help but snort that he even thought something so asinine. Severus liked his buttons and scarves for more reasons than a stupid scar. 

Severus, hearing Harry's laugh, looked up from his work and over at Harry. His lips twitched in his version of a smile. He pulled the stirring rod out of the potion, wiped it on a towel and set it on the counter. 

Harry looked down at his book and notes quickly, trying to ignore the warmth he felt creeping across his neck. Harry was allowed to see Severus's neck as it was, scars and all, and that thought made Harry's neck heat even more. 

Severus came to a stop on the other side of the table from Harry. Harry looked up as Severus leaned forward. He brushed his hair back from his forehead and then placed his hands flat on the table. 

"Harry," Severus said, and Harry looked up, his heart in his throat. Severus's face was only inches from his. He was so close that Harry could make out each one of Severus's thick, black eyelashes. "If you put in that amount of frog glands, you will neutralize the jellyfish juice." 

"So?" Harry said, raising his brows and smirking. 

"Nerve damage is the point of that particular potion. The jellyfish is essential to that." 

Harry's smile broadened and he said, "It never ceases to amaze me that you are the sort of man who knows exactly how to make a crippling potion." 

"Every potion, Harry." A playful light sparked in Severus's eyes. Harry's mouth went dry as a desert. He wanted so badly to lean in and kiss Severus. Severus cleared his throat before speaking again. His voice had never quite been the same since the bite. Severus constantly had tea or a mug of warm water to hand to sip to soothe his damaged throat. "It's too bad I don't have any polyjuice handy. I could go and take the test for you." 

Harry had to work his tongue to get enough moisture in his throat to reply. "They double check I am who I am before I take any test. And no polyjuice, my arse." 

A devilish smirk slid across Severus's face and he straightened up and shrugged elegantly. "I could have some around but you'll never know. Besides, if I took the test, I would do far too well and they would know it was an imposter." 

"Thanks," Harry said, feeling his bubble burst. "I should go." Harry stood and gathered his things as Severus walked casually back to his potion. 

Harry walked to the door, his thoughts reluctantly leaving Severus and desire and back to the test he was about to take. 

"Harry?" Severus said and Harry looked over his shoulder. He was once again leaning over his potion and he spoke without looking up. "You're right. I do have polyjuice but you hardly need it. For once, I suspect a potions exam should go well for you." 

Harry Disapparated from Severus's garden to the Ministry, still feeling warm from the interchange. He thought about how he and Severus had arrived at this point, where they went from just being cordial to having an ease between them. 

After Severus had realized that Harry was going to visit him every morning, no matter how much he pointedly ignored Harry, then he slowly began to give in. 

After being crushed by Snape in wizard's chess on a daily basis, Harry started to bring cards and a Muggle dice game Hermione had suggested to the hospital for them to play. Exploding Snap was not allowed in Saint Mungo's. 

There were afternoons here and there he spent, with George's help, fixing Sirius's bike, and several evenings having a pint with Ron, or other days spent with Hermione as she studied for her NEWTs, but like clock-work every morning Harry would arrive at Snape's room after breakfast and say, "Good morning, sir," finally giving Snape the respect he more than deserved.

The morning Snape first spoke to him was a morning Harry would never forget. He had greeted Snape in his usual way and then he saw Snape swallow very hard twice and he said, in a voice that made Harry's stomach clench at the painful sound of it, "Severus." Harry knew Snape had been going to special treatments to try and restore his voice but until that point, he hadn't uttered so much as a grunt to Harry. Harry nodded and repeated the name, "Severus." Then Harry gave him a half smile and said, "Harry." Severus smirked in reply but didn't make another sound. They spent a companionable morning in silence, playing cribbage. Snape and Potter slowly fading into their past and allowing them to finally be who they were. 

Harry stepped into the lift from the Atrium and thought back to that summer and how his life had begun to gain some sense and a normal rhythm. He found comfort in Severus's wisp of a croaking voice and in restoring his god-father's motorcycle to its former glory. George was the best helper with the motorbike and Harry quite liked his help. George never looked at or treated him with pity. Harry gave him the same courtesy. Their losses were both great and immeasurable and that was enough to know. 

But, as was life's wont, as soon as Harry started to feel everything was fine, change presented itself rather quickly. The motorcycle was back in working order, Severus had a release date from St Mungo's, and Harry received an official letter inviting him to Auror training. So far, Harry had managed to put off Kingsley's insistence that he was needed, but it looked like the Minister was through being patient. Yes, Harry wanted to rebuild. Yes, Harry could never sit and watch. But Auror training was no cake walk and Harry wasn't ready to give his life over to it yet. 

More complicated, and more worrisome, was wondering who Severus would be outside the hospital. In St Mungo's, Severus was safe. He was convalescing, unwell, it was okay to visit him and keep him company. Out of the hospital, who would he be? Harry wasn't ready to face that yet. It was easier for Harry to move when scared then to sit and wait. 

So, he had packed a bag and left. It was time to be alone. 

When he had returned, the thread of friendship between him and Severus was still there and now, emerging was a brighter thread of something else. It was something Harry hadn't realized he had wanted so badly. Now that he knew, he had to have it. 

Harry stepped from the lift and almost ran squarely into Hermione. "What are you doing here?" they both said at the same time. 

"Work," Hermione said with an air of exasperation. 

"Auror exam," Harry said. 

"Must be something easy. You look as cheerful as I've ever seen you." 

"Potions actually," Harry replied with almost a laugh, and Hermione snorted. 

"You're likely better at it now then you've ever been," Hermione said with her trademark know-it-all smirk. 

Harry gave her an innocent look and shrugged. "Going to be late. I better go." 

"See you later for dinner?" Hermione called after Harry as he continued down the corridor. 

Harry turned but continued to walk backwards. "I think I'm busy. Tomorrow though." 

Her smile widened and she waved to Harry. 

Harry did his best not to trot to the exam room but it was rough. He felt buoyant and exuberant as if he had over-done a cheering charm on himself. He waited outside the room with the other four Aurors in training. Their group had once been twelve. After almost a year, they'd been whittled down to five. Harry looked covertly at Richardson, who already looked quite peaky, and knew after today their number would only total four. 

Crombie, their examiner, opened the door and ushered them in one by one, performing the standard identification charms and checking their wands as he did so. As Harry stepped up and handed over his wand, Crombie looked up at him from under his great bushy brows. "Feeling confident, are we, Potter?" 

"I am," Harry replied.

Crombie's mouth twitched as he said, "I've seen your Potions marks from school. Are you sure?" 

"Yes." 

"Good lad." Crombie handed Harry his wand back and then waved him towards an empty desk. 

*

Harry wanted to run back over to Severus's house immediately and tell him how ridiculously easy the entire test had been. He couldn't wait to see the smug look on Severus's face as Harry told him that a Ministry Potions test was nothing compared to one from Professor Snape. Harry made himself go home first. 

He showered, shaved, and put on fresh clothes. He ran his hand nervously through his still damp hair, wondering if maybe he shouldn’t have combed it so aggressively. It felt more out of control than usual. 

He checked his watch as he Apparated into Snape's garden. It was already after five. Severus wouldn't be working anymore. Harry knocked on his back door and waited. He saw Severus's shadow through the opaque curtains covering the large window in the back door and, knowing who he was going to see, Harry's nerves suddenly evaporated. He knew what he was doing in becoming an Auror and he knew what he was doing when it came to Severus. 

Severus opened the door and looked Harry up and down. "You did well?" 

"I did," Harry said, taking a step towards him. 

"Come in then. Have some tea." Severus turned for Harry to follow him. 

As Severus poured steaming water from the kettle into the teapot, Harry watched him closely. He was dressed in a collared shirt and black blazer with a dark green tartan scarf wrapped artfully around his neck. He was dressed rather nicely this evening. 

Harry didn't want to wait for the right moment in the conversation. Now was the right moment, and so before anything else was said, Harry asked, "Would you like to go to dinner to celebrate?" 

"When?" Severus said, not looking at Harry. He didn't seem to grasp the weight of what Harry was asking him. 

Harry stood tall and lifted his chin. "Severus?" Harry said. He was hoping that Severus would turn around and he was relieved when he did. "I meant now. Only you and me. Tonight." 

Severus turned to face Harry. "No. Not tonight," he said, his face expressionless. "I already have plans." 

"Oh." Harry looked down and shuffled his feet nervously before looking back up at Severus. "Is it work?" he asked hopefully. 

"No. It is not. So you can rest assured a celebratory dinner for you isn't likely to happen on another evening." And then as Severus turned, he asked quite casually, as if he didn't knowingly strike Harry with a mighty blow, "You take only milk in your tea, correct?"

...

"Good, you're home," Harry said the moment Severus opened the door.

"Where else would I be?"

"I thought maybe you were going to pretend you weren't here and I would have to come back at least three times before you let me in." 

"We've known each other a long time," Severus replied curtly. 

"Meaning I'm stubborn?" Harry said, taking offence to the tone and crossing his arms. 

"Stubborn is only one word for it but it'll do for now." They glared at each other for a moment and Harry had to resist the urge to grab Severus's shoulders and shake him so hard that his teeth clattered together. "Why are you here? If Granger or Weasley has died I am not going to the funeral so don't ask." 

"As you say, we've known each other a long time, so don't be a git. You know no one has died and you know why I'm here." Waiting for Severus to invite him in would be like waiting for flobberworms to fly, so Harry brushed past Severus and stepped into his flat. 

"I see now. You're here to be rude. Why yes, Harry, please come in." Severus shut the door with a smart snap. He didn't turn to talk to Harry, but attempted to walk out of the room. 

"Where are you going?" Harry demanded. 

"Back to work. I have a job that requires my attention. I am not a fully fledged saint like you. I am not allowed to skive off on a Tuesday afternoon." 

"I'm not skiving off work," Harry said, moving to follow Severus. 

Severus stopped and turned to face Harry. "Is that why you're in full Auror uniform? You didn't come directly from work? Wait, don't tell me. You up and left not bothering to see if anyone would care." 

Harry looked down at his clothes. He hadn't thought about what he was wearing. Severus was right about one thing. The moment Harry had been told Severus was not available to consult on his case regarding the illegal potions trade, he had gone looking for him. While Severus hated the Ministry for being full of nothing but "Order members and Gryffindors," he was more than happy to provide his expertise when a situation needing it did arise – he naturally charged exorbitant fees for this. 

It had taken Harry three hours to find out where Severus was. Harry didn't like threatening Severus's best ingredients supplier, but the man should've known Harry wouldn't have actually put him in prison. Well, for only a couple of hours at the most. 

"If there isn't anything else," Severus said. 

He began to turn away and Harry called after him desperately, "I came all the way here to see you." 

"I didn't invite you to Dublin," Severus replied. 

"I know but you left without saying something." 

"Was I supposed to?" 

Harry huffed through his nose and glared at Severus. He registered that his teeth were clicking together from grinding them but he couldn't make himself stop. They both knew very well the state of their friendship – association was a better word for it these days. It had been a couple of years since they saw each other on a regular basis and they were several years away from their days in St Mungo's. 

Nothing had been the same for them since the night when Severus had casually offered Harry tea and Harry had stormed out, slamming Severus's back door so hard that the glass shattered into a million tiny fragments. Harry remembered looking at the light splayed in awkward angles through the shards with grim satisfaction. Destroying a bit of his door was the least Severus had deserved.

In the intervening years, Harry had done his best to convince himself it was only the blow to his ego that made him feel hurt and not that he was sure his true and deep interest in Severus was mutual. Harry had always been a bad liar though, especially when he tried to lie to himself.  
He couldn't lie to himself anymore. He knew as surely as he knew that if he looked in the mirror, he'd see a man with messy black hair and green eyes that they were attracted to each other. 

It wasn't as if they avoided each other during those years. Harry pretended as if everything was normal and invited Severus over for tea. The conversation was always stilted, though and they would end up talking about Auror training. Thankfully, when Harry became an Auror, he saw Severus in a more official capacity and so the invitations to tea could stop. The conversations were easier, always about a case. They always left Harry with the same sense of loss and longing, wondering if this is all they would ever be, business associates. It hurt too much to consider seriously.

Despite things not being as they once were, they had forged something in the war and in those mornings in the hospital that neither of them could forget no matter how hard they tried. That is why Harry came to Dublin. It wasn't fair for Severus to leave without word. 

"You could've sent an owl at least," Harry said, his jaw aching. 

"You mean like you did when you left?" Severus said in a mockingly light tone. 

Harry felt his brow wrinkle and he looked away, blinking as he tried to figure what the hell Severus was on about. "Do you...you mean before? The motorcycle trip?" Harry couldn't believe that was what Severus meant. If anyone could hold a grudge, that man could, but he'd never seemed the slightest upset about it. 

"Motorcycle trip." Severus snorted derisively. 

"What?" Harry couldn't believe his ears. It was as if Harry's scorn had set off a hidden powder keg. 

"Do not say what to me," Severus snapped. "Every day for months it was only you and I. You and I, Harry, and then you left. You didn't even bloody say good bye. The moment I was about to get out of that sodding bed and you couldn't handle it and you left." 

"That isn't why I left!" 

"You are lying and you know it." Severus spoke through gritted teeth, trying to control his volume. Harry knew shouting would quickly be the end of Severus's voice for days. 

"I am not. I didn't have a choice. I had to go," Harry said, remembering how he felt at the time. He was suffocating under the threat of too many memories, too many feelings rushing in. 

"Then we are even. I left because I didn't have a choice. They needed me to work here." 

"Bollocks! Do not even pretend that this is the same as that," Harry said, the anger making his chest ache. 

"You are right it is not. Then, we meant something to each other. Right now we are nothing. I owed you nothing when I left." 

Harry winced and said, "I didn't owe anything"

"You bloody well did. You meant something to me and you left like a scared little boy!" 

"I was nineteen!" 

"Do not pretend like you were still a child then, Harry. You were man enough to come and sit by my bed, man enough to feel what I felt. Now I have to excuse your childishness when it is time to say goodbye? That is utter bullshit!"

"God! Fuck!" Harry hated this, hated Severus bringing this up. That had been one of the most difficult times in Harry's life. It was unfair for Severus to punish Harry for his actions then. "It isn't like the war ended and then it was easy to move on with life as normal. You know that! I don't have to explain that to you." 

"Yes, I know that," Severus said, his voice losing its edge. "But we were supposed to rebuild –" 

"You knew why I left! You said you understood." 

"That doesn't make it okay that you left!" Severus's voice cracked on the last two words. It was growing hoarse with every word. Harry's eyes went unbidden to the scar across his throat, the one Harry was allowed to look at. It looked better than he had remembered, though Severus's skin around it was blotched red with anger. 

"I couldn't stay. I fell for you and I didn't know –" 

"How to be with a man. Yes. I know. So you drove off into the night intent on shagging your way across Europe so you could give me the experienced man I deserved, is that it?" 

"I wasn't shagging my way across the continent," Harry said, feeling a surge of embarrassment mixing with his anger. 

"Forgive me. You were celibate then?" Severus's eyes pointed to Harry like the barrels of two very accusing guns. 

"No more than you." 

Severus crossed his arms and shrugged. "I have nothing to be ashamed of." 

It took all of Harry's effort to take a deep, steadying breath. "Is that why?" Harry asked, looking into Severus's eyes. "Is that why you told me no? To punish me?" 

"I had put us in my past and that is where we were going to stay." Severus's voice was almost gone now but Harry heard the words crystal clear. 

"So you left again to remind me I hurt you." Harry put his hands on his hips and looked down nodding to himself. That was it. He would forever be Severus's target because he couldn't give Severus what he wanted when he wanted it. Harry had come too far to try to explain his actions of over six years ago. 

"Harry, I've moved to Ireland for work. There. Happy now?" Severus said with a sneer that hurt Harry far worse than anything else that had been said. 

Harry's breath shook in his chest as he gathered enough air to speak. "I am sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted. I thought you were last person I had to explain that time to. That is the one of the reasons I fell for you. I didn't think I needed to lay it all out there. I fucked up. I can see that now." Harry's words were cold, emotionless leaving the apology feeling as flat as he meant it to be. He wasn't going to honestly apologize now, years later. "I can't change what is done and you know I would try if for a minute I thought it would change this." Harry looked at Severus one more time, knowing his emotions were plain on his face. All the pain aside, it was still Severus Harry wanted, Severus he was ready to have. It was Severus who returned Harry's look with all the warmth of a corpse. Severus was past caring. 

"Congratulations on your promotion," Harry said, turning to go, grateful Severus's voice was gone because the last thing he wanted was the man calling after him. Harry had shown his chest torn open and his heart laid bare for all it truly was—every nick, cut, bruise, and gouge from a life time of pain and loss and still whole, strong, and there for Severus's taking. Harry had believed for so long that its match was Severus's own damaged yet still whole heart. He'd held on to the notion that when Severus saw that, he would take what Harry willingly offered. Harry had never felt like such a fool in his entire life. 

As Harry shut the door this time, he took great care to leave it as whole as he had found it.

...

Harry poured water from the kettle into the readied cup. He watched, with more interest than the process warranted, the tea seeping from the curling tendrils of dark brown and quickly taking over the water. He wanted to stare as the liquid steadily became darker because, if he didn't, his gaze would certainly be pulled back to the innocent looking parchment lying on his counter.

He had only read it once so the parchment – the single page that is was – attempted to fold back in on itself like a triangle. Harry wished the letter had been rolled up instead of a trifold. If it had been rolled, then it would have curled back in on itself. As it were now, if Harry cut his glance to the side, he would still be able to make out some of the message and certainly the signature. 

If he read it again, he would act, and right now, he was fighting hard against all of his natural instincts. 

Instead of reaching for the letter, Harry grabbed the string of his bag of tea and meditatively bobbed it up and down. Severus had probably banked on Harry's impulsiveness. That thought made Harry laugh. 

Smiling when he thought about Severus, that was something new. Harry thought, not for the first time, that Dumbledore had been right. It was better to face your pain so then you could begin to heal from it. 

Acknowledging that Severus had hurt him with his rejection and admitting together that there was something more than friendship between them had been horribly painful at the time. It has built between them for so long that the final admission had been like drawing out an infection Harry didn't know he had. 

At first Harry had been furious that Severus had harboured yet another grudge against Harry for something Harry was completely clueless about He had so wanted Severus to understand why he had to leave and Severus has said that he did. 

"Liar," he muttered with a snort as he took the tea bag out and tossed it at the bin. Harry walked to the fridge to pull out the milk and stopped as he passed the letter. Harry didn't need to reread it to remember exactly what it said. 

_My tenure in Ireland is over. I thought it wise to tell you to prevent you from knocking down my door when you figure it out in a month. If you do still feel the need, please use the front door. The glass in the back door hasn't looked the same since._

__

Severus

"Sod this," Harry said to himself, Disapparating, not bothering to grab a coat or cloak first.

He walked down the lane from Severus's house, memories of Dumbledore fresh in his mind, reminding him it was okay to give Severus the chance to refuse his visit. 

Harry stopped at the front gate and saw white smoke curling merrily from the chimney. Oddly, Harry felt like that was the invitation to come in. 

He strode up the walk and knocked firmly on the door. Severus, the bastard, took his time answering it but Harry didn't knock again, he waited. When Severus finally opened the door, he somehow looked different than when Harry had last seen him only a few months ago. 

His hair was the same short length he had kept it for years. with grey hair at the temples and delicately peppered across the pitch black strands. He held his mouth in a thin line that never gave anything away. His eyes and his posture were different. There was a softness to them that made Harry feel more welcome than he ever had. 

"So?" Harry said. Severus raised his brows but didn't speak. "You're back in England." 

"As you can plainly see." 

"It wasn't a permanent move then?" Harry asked, needing to be sure. 

"I always knew it was going to be less than a year." 

Harry swallowed the biting words that clawed at his throat. "Well," he said with great effort, "I'm glad to see you back." 

"It's good to be back."

...

He had expected for his lips to feel different. Harry ran his finger across them as if in thought and then pinched them lightly between his thumb and forefinger. No. They felt exactly the same as they always did. They weren't even the slightest bit chapped.

Gillibrand, head of Muggle-Worthy Excuse Office, to Harry's right, sighed heavily and shifted in his chair. Harry was glad he wasn't the only one bored out of his skull. He scanned the room covertly and in fact, the only person who seemed to be enjoying themselves was Hermione. Harry laughed to himself. Leave it to her to look enthralled in a mandatory meeting. 

Harry was glad for the meeting. If he had been in the middle of a normal work day, all his efforts would have been focused on his case, which was starting to break open. As it was now, he could sit and think about his lips, about Severus's lips, and about their kiss last night. 

He could still feel the way Severus's hand felt on his back, and how his mouth parted slowly, pulling Harry's tongue softly to his. Harry couldn't say that Severus tasted of anything in particular. Perhaps a bit like the red wine he had been drinking, but Harry hadn't had any so he couldn't say for sure. 

He had smelled, as always, of his potions' room, that distinctly herby scent. Even with the smell of him so clear in Harry's mind, Harry still thought about petrol. They were a good long way from that station in miles and in years. The feelings, though, were not so distant. Harry felt that deep ache in his chest he had developed for Severus seven years ago, alive and well. The kiss had done nothing to alleviate Harry's desire for him. It had only made it more intense. The fear was gone and Harry knew that, finally, they wanted the same exact thing at the same exact time. 

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His arse wasn't numb yet but thinking about Severus's mouth and his own desire wasn't making sitting any more comfortable. Harry crossed his legs and made sure his robes were pulled out in front of him. He was probably the only person in history to get aroused in the middle of a dreadfully dull meeting. As if Harry needed any more proof, this was surely a sign of how much he wanted Severus. 

When the meeting finally let out for lunch, Harry stood and stretched, determined to skive off the afternoon session. As much as he liked lingering on thoughts of Severus, he had work to do and this was turning into a waste of his time. 

He stopped at the door and turned for Hermione to see if she wanted to grab something for lunch together, but saw she was in a deep discussion with the facilitator of the meeting. Harry knew if he waited, he would never get out of there. He avoided the lifts, His legs were stiff and he could take the stairs back to his floor. 

As Harry entered the stairway, he heard the echoing footsteps of someone descending towards him. Harry used the stairs a lot at work. They were usually empty and he didn't have to bother in the mornings with the lift making five hundred stops before he got to his floor. He rarely met anyone on the stairs, though. He figured most witches and wizards didn't even know the stairway existed and he reckoned even fewer knew how to find the main stairs. 

You had to know where to find the silver sconce on each floor. All sconces in the Ministry, which bore lamps, were gold except for the one on each floor which led to the stairway. Each sconce was in a different location on the floor but each led to the same place. It was one of the first things Harry had learned in Auror training. It was usually how they brought detainees back to the Ministry without the bother of the lifts or risk of Apparation. 

Harry looked up to see as the shoes came round the corner of the stairs and he knew before he even saw more than the laces that it was Severus. He stopped when Harry came in sight of him. Harry grinned. "Fancy meeting you here." 

Severus's lips twitched and he said, "I was hoping to avoid you by taking the stairs." 

"Were you now?" Harry said, slowing taking the stairs towards Severus. 

"I was. You're distracting but, as is my luck, I always seem to find you, intended or not." 

"If you wanted to avoid me, why did you come to the Ministry? This is where I work." Harry stopped one stair below Severus, crossed his arms and leaned casually on the curved stone wall. 

"The Ministry is large. so I was stupidly hopeful, but I came to get paid." Severus held up a leather bag in illustration. 

"Why don't you have them put that in your vault directly?"

"If I waited for the Ministry I would be waiting forever. I like my gold when the job is finished and not a moment later." 

"Christ, you're a finicky bastard." Harry looked Severus up and down in appreciation. 

Severus saw the look and the corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile. "And you put up with this because?" 

Harry stepped onto the same stair and leaned in close to Severus, putting his hand flat to wall just behind Severus's head. "I'm thinking of more reasons to put up with you by the minute." 

Harry expected a snarky reply but Severus met Harry halfway and kissed him. Harry pushed to Severus, kissing him harder more intently. The kiss was deep, and hard. Last night's kiss had been new, but so was this one. It was filled with a different longing than the anticipation of the very first kiss. 

Severus gripped the front of Harry's robes with one hand and held Harry's waist with the other. Harry circled both his arms around Severus and pulled him hard against his body. Severus groaned in pleasure and Harry was grateful he wasn't the only one who was eager for more. 

Without thinking, without wondering if it was too much too fast, Harry pressed his hips to Severus's thigh, showing him just how badly he wanted him. Harry's erection, which had, thankfully, abated in the meeting, had come back with full force the moment he stepped onto the same stair with Severus. 

Severus pressed his thigh in reply and Harry moaned in the back of his throat, rolling his hips against it. The pressure and friction were exactly what he needed and so badly what he wanted that Harry thought he was going to come in second, and fuck, he didn't want to come in seconds. Not with Severus. 

Harry moved his hands to the neck of Severus's cloak and unclasped it quickly. Harry moved his lips down Severus's jaw and the column of his neck. Harry traced his lips down and stopped and placed a warm, wet, open mouthed kiss on the still visible scars. The scars that marred Severus's voice on occasion, the scars that would never be invisible, the scars that were so instrumental in bringing them together. Deep in Harry's heart, there was a sense of gratitude for these scars. Scars meant healing and not death. He ached with the pleasure that he had Severus here and now, well and alive in his arms. 

Severus didn't balk at the kiss from Harry here. Harry was allowed to touch him this way. Harry continued a path down and began to pull the buttons of Severus's shirt open. After the first two, Harry slid his hand into Severus's shirt, across his warm chest, and gently rubbed his thumb across one nipple. Severus's breath hitched and he pushed Harry's robes aside, reaching for his trousers. 

"You could at least be a gentleman and take me to your office," Severus said, undoing Harry's flies. 

"I don't have an office. I have a cubicle," said Harry in a muffled reply as he was licking a path across Severus's collarbone. 

"You need to become Head Auror fast so I can suck you in private." 

"Here's private," Harry said, pulling off his glasses and quickly stashing them in his robes. "Besides," Harry said, returning his mouth to Severus's, "I don't think either of us is going to make it very far." He kissed Severus and pressed his palm to Severus's hard cock. 

Severus moaned in Harry's mouth and thrust into the touch. 

Desperation won over them after that. They tore at each other's trousers and pants, anxious to touch each other, dying to be touched. Severus had his hand firmly around Harry's cock just as Harry's fingers brushed the silken tip of Severus's. 

"Jesus, yes," Harry said, thrusting into Severus's grip. Severus spread his legs and brought their cocks together. Harry moaned and ground into Severus. 

"God, fuck, like that Harry," Severus breathed in Harry's ear. 

In a whirl, he had Severus pressed to the stone wall, one of Severus's legs up on Harry's hip, Harry's forehead pushing down on Severus's shoulder as he thrust against Severus again and again. He gripped Severus's lifted thigh with one hand and wrapped his around their cocks with the other. 

Severus gripped the back of Harry's robes and Harry manically thrust again and again. The thrill of their naked cocks pressed together sent waves of pleasure through Harry's body that settled firmly in his balls. Harry fucked himself harder against Severus, desperate for relief as Severus began to call out, "God, fuck don't stop. Don't stop. Fuck. God, Harry..." 

Harry's entire body stilled as he came and he cried out, come spilling down his cock. It slicked his efforts as he continued to stroke, desperate to make Severus follow him in completion. Severus came a moment later. He was silent and his entire body bowed against Harry's. 

They released each other and both looked down as they cleaned themselves up. 

"That wasn't how I pictured –" 

"Our first time would be?" Harry said, looking up from trying to fix his trousers—Severus had popped two of the buttons. Harry pulled his glasses out of his pocket and put them back on. 

Severus laughed in the back of his throat and met Harry's eyes, "No it wasn't but that wasn't what I was going to say." 

"How did you picture our first time?" Harry said, feeling rather bold after their more than satisfying encounter. 

Severus looked back down, straightening his clothes unnecessarily. "In hospital bed at first, later over your cursed godfather's motorcycle, against my potions counter while you tried to study, later against my door in Dublin, recently in my bed, your bed, I wasn't too particular." 

"This isn't what I pictured either. For one, this stone is white and the rest of the stone in the ministry is dark, so not as I imagined." Harry grinned at Severus and Severus gave him a look that told Harry he was very lucky that his balls were safely back in his pants.

"What I was going to say," Severus said with an edge. "I hadn't expected this to happen so quickly." 

"Is it quick?" Harry said. "From the list you gave me, it sounds like a long time coming." 

"It was a long time," Severus said, and put out a tentative hand to Harry. 

Harry took it and said, "Now is good. I appreciate you not having me over the seat of the motorcycle. It's still an option though." 

Severus laughed and said, "I'd wager all the gold in my pocket you would not be the first young man be taken like that on that machine." 

Harry shrugged and chortled. "But it'd be our first time at it. Our first time for a lot of things."

"I'm looking forward to it," Severus said and pulled Harry close.


End file.
